What Assertiveness Isn't

Firstly, it is important to address what assertiveness is not.  Assertiveness is not about being aggressive or unemotional.  It is not about taking advantage of, denigrating or manipulating others to get your own way.  In fact, the aforementioned may be an act of selfishness (motivated purely for self-gain), or at a more extreme level, it may be an act of abuse where the perpetrator’s motivation is to exert power and control.   

What Assertiveness Is

Assertiveness involves clearly stating and acting in accordance with your wants and needs.  This sounds really simple but assertiveness requires awareness of your wants and needs.  And in order to be aware of your wants and needs, you also need to be aware of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, and how these factors influence your behaviour in everyday life and stressful situations. 

Taken even further,  in order to be assertive you need to have an understanding of why you think and act the way that you do, where your values and beliefs come from, and whether or not your current beliefs and values are helping you live the life you want.   

Sound complicated?  This is where therapy may be a useful process to assist you to find out these things about yourself, and to help you to live more assertively.  Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned - and like any skill, it requires practice.  Given that life constantly throws things at us, it is a necessary skill to have.

Being assertive is not always about taking immediate action.  Sometimes it best to take time out before deciding on a course of action, and sometimes the assertive choice is to not act…

Assertiveness, when used with the best of intentions, is a way of living that encourages openness and honesty.  It involves knowing what you need and want, and asking for it or going about it in a healthy and respectful way.